This house was built for laser tag.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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