my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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