Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
