Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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