why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
