hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
