There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
He shit in the fireplace
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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