So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
