don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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