well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
