did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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