I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
