and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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