Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I wannas sexs uuuuu
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
