The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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