I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
im six kinds of drunk right now
My balls are so social today.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
