if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
