Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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