It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
