i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
