guys are only as good as the porn they watch
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
