my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
