i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
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