do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
