Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
