i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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