mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
