He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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