She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
