before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
