I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
