EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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