I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I wannas sexs uuuuu
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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