so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
