it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
