I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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