I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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