I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
