My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Randomize
