I think I won the penis lottery.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
