we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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