I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I fill condoms, not promises.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
