where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
