he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
