i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
