so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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