know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
