I think I died a long time ago.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
