Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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