The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
