If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
This is my gift to your gina
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I did not marry a roomba.
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